Persevering through Radical Acceptance

I made a previous blog post about embracing change, and in it, I mentioned the DBT principle of radical acceptance. This is a practice I personally feel strongly about and see great value in, so I wanted to highlight this concept even more. Radical acceptance is a skill that can truly change how we experience pain and suffering. Pain and suffering are inevitable parts of life, but having the tools to survive these inevitable challenges - and not be consumed by the unavoidable cruelties of the world – is a skill with so much value. 

What is Radical Acceptance?

At its core, radical acceptance is about embracing reality exactly as it is, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it might feel. It means acknowledging that some things in life are beyond our control and accepting them without fighting, denying, or wishing things were different. Radical means all the way, which means complete acceptance of what’s going on right here, right now, whether you like it or not.

This principle of acceptance is often misunderstood. It’s not about pretending everything is fine when it’s not, or forcing yourself to be positive no matter the circumstances. Radical acceptance simply asks that you stop resisting reality. When you stop pushing against the facts, you free yourself from unnecessary suffering and can begin to move forward more effectively. It’s about accepting what is, without needing it to be any different.

Radical Acceptance vs. Toxic Positivity

It’s easy to confuse radical acceptance with toxic positivity, but they’re very different. Toxic positivity pressures you to stay upbeat and happy at all costs, including in the face of true hardship. For example, when someone says, “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Look on the bright side!” during a tough situation like the loss of a loved one, they might be trying to help, but these words can minimize the real pain someone is experiencing.

Radical acceptance, on the other hand, doesn’t require you to be happy or optimistic in difficult situations. It simply asks that you acknowledge reality, however it presents itself, and choose to move forward in a way that reduces suffering. You’re not pretending everything’s okay, you’re just accepting that this is the reality, for better or worse, and choosing how to respond to it.

Why Radical Acceptance Works

Radical acceptance helps break the cycle of resistance. When you resist reality, you spend energy fighting against something you can’t change, which only deepens the suffering. Imagine your partner breaks up with you. The initial reaction might be to beg them to stay or to get angry, trying to convince them that this doesn’t need to happen. The more you resist the reality of the situation, the more you hurt yourself in the process. But what if, instead of resisting the breakup, you allowed yourself to accept that it's happening, and used your energy towards something else? You might not want it, but by accepting the reality of the situation, you give yourself space to grieve and heal, and you can begin to focus on moving forward in a healthier, more empowered way.

Radical acceptance allows you to conserve your energy and direct it toward something more productive. It helps you focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t, and that makes all the difference in your ability to move through difficult times without feeling completely overwhelmed.

Practicing Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance cannot always happen right away, but with an earnest willingness to embrace its principles and practice, you can incorporate its philosophies into your life. 

Below are 10 steps commonly used in DBT to help individuals start integrating radical acceptance into their lives.

1. Observe When You’re Fighting Against Reality.
   Notice when you’re resisting what’s going on. Are you asking yourself, “Why is this happening to me?” or “This shouldn’t be happening”? Recognizing resistance is the first step to making peace with the situation.

2. Accept When You Cannot Change a Situation.
   Sometimes things happen that we cannot control. When this happens, acknowledge that a bad situation has occurred, and that there’s no way to change the past. “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do to undo it.” Accepting that helps to stop you from spinning your wheels in frustration.

3. Identify How the Situation Came to Be.
   Reflect on the choices and circumstances that led to this moment. This isn’t about blaming anyone or anything, but simply recognizing that the situation is a result of various causes. No judgment, just acknowledgment.

4. Practice Acceptance Not Just in Your Thoughts, But In All Parts of You           Practice accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness, accepting imagery, or any other supportive technique to help you reflect, understand your emotions, and accept the situation. 

5. Demonstrate Acceptance Through Action.                                                                 What does true acceptance of reality look like in practice? It might mean going on a date with someone new, instead of holding onto the hope of getting back with an ex. It could involve managing an illness by scheduling a doctor’s appointment, instead of hoping for the condition to disappear or improve on its own. Or perhaps it looks like facing financial challenges head-on, cutting back on unnecessary expenses and taking control of your budget, rather than pretending that everything is fine financially. Each of these actions is a clear reflection of accepting reality and choosing to move forward with purpose.

6. Understand the Inevitability of Future Unpleasant Situations.
   As we all know, life has its challenges, and that’s okay. Start to recognize that you will likely experience future situations that may feel unbearable, and that’s perfectly normal. 

7. Practice Mindfulness to Tune into Your Body.
   Mindfulness is your friend. Be aware of how your body reacts when you’re faced with painful reality. Are you holding tension in your shoulders? Is your stomach tight? Noticing these sensations helps you better handle acceptance and regulate your emotional response.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel Without Judgment.
   Grief, disappointment, sadness, anger, fear, etc., these are all normal reactions to tough situations. When you practice radical acceptance, you allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. 

9. Reframe the Pain as Part of Healing.
   Instead of viewing emotional pain as something to avoid, see it as part of the natural healing process. Tough emotions are normal, and they help us process and move forward. Pain is inevitable, but temporary. Endless suffering is optional. Acknowledge that life has value, despite the possibility of pain. 

10. Complete a Pros and Cons List if You’re Still Struggling.
    If you’re still fighting reality, create a pros and cons list. What are the consequences of accepting this situation versus continuing to resist it? What will happen if you keep holding on to anger or bitterness or avoidance? This exercise can help you see how accepting reality is actually the best choice for your well-being.

Radical Acceptance as a Pathway to Peace 

By practicing radical acceptance, you’re learning to approach life’s ups and downs with a new mindset, one where acceptance allows you to move through challenges without getting stuck in suffering. Radical acceptance is not about ignoring pain, it’s about facing it and making a conscious choice to embrace the present moment, no matter how uncomfortable.

https://www.skylandtrail.org/accepting-reality-using-dbt-skills/

https://blog.zencare.co/how-to-practice-radical-acceptance/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

https://hopeway.org/blog/radical-acceptance